On Loss, On Friendship

The paradox that is love.

Dec 06, 2023

“Heartbreak is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control.” - David Whyte in Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words

Any parent feels this quote acutely. You often hear that having a child is like wearing your heart outside of your body. And when those precious beings are moving out into the world — as they become agents of their own destiny — we worry about that love that carries on independently of us.

For our family, the last year or so has been filled with loss — some expected, and yet difficult — in the way that the natural order of life moves — and some loss unbelievably tragic — the kind that is delivered with the cruelty of disorder. I began this missive on a plane back from the funeral of a familiar member, a young man who was taken too early from his friends and family. The sorrow we are feeling is deep — and yet dwarfed by the pain his parents and siblings are feeling. It is a devastating reminder of how short life can be.

With each of these losses, I find myself reflecting on what it means to live a full human life. In a culture obsessed with longevity, how long do we need to live to have lived fully? And where is it most important to focus our attention with our limited time?

I recognize that the pain that comes with loss is a measure of the depth of our connection. When we feel loss deeply, viscerally, it is because we have lost something beautifully meaningful— something we were lucky to have.

“Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot; in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life. Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity; in love relationships, in a life’s work, in the attempt to shape a better, more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is [an] essence and emblem of care.” - David Whyte

Standford professor and psychiatrist Dr. Paul Conti contends that our lives are most vibrant when we move through our days with optimism, agency, and gratitude. There is nothing like a loss that dashes those pillars of vitality.

On Friendship

How do we move forward from loss? This is a question fundamental to humanity. There is no human life that is not touched by loss, to whom the pain of heartbreak is unknown. Yet we move forward — in one way or another — marshaling the reserves of our strength to move through the next day and the next day.

In his unique book, "Geometry of Grief: Reflections on Mathematics, Loss, and Life," mathematician Michael Frame explores how understanding the fractal nature of grief can be the key to coping with it. With two decades of teaching fractal geometry at Yale, Frame combines personal experiences of loss with an acute appreciation for life's intricacies. He weaves together memoir and mathematics, drawing from a lifetime of contemplating beauty in the details of existence.

“A way to view and live through grief — an exercise in continual dilation of perspective, so that life can be seen from more and more angles besides the acuteness of loss, noticing more and more of what is there, what remains and what grows in the wake of the lost; an exercise in remembering, again and again, that healing is subtle and unpredictable, unfolding in tiny, quiet, immeasurable increments that eventually add up to profound changes of measurable difference.” - Michael Frame

The two basic building blocks of our lives — inner and outer — are attention and narrative; readjustment to life after loss requires deliberate wielding of both.

“All moments of our lives are immensely rich, with many — perhaps infinitely many — variables we could notice.
We can view our lives as trajectories, parameterized by time, through story space.
We can never simultaneously view all of the possible variables at a time…
Our trajectories through these subspaces are the stories we tell ourselves about our lives; they are how we make sense of our lives, but always they miss some elements of our experiences.
Irreversible loss appears as a discontinuity, a jump, in our path through story space.”
- Michael Frame

In an act of dilation of perspective — in the pain of loss — I have watched over and over again those made of kindness and generosity overcome those made of smallness and pettiness; I have watched love and friendship drive out darkness.

In the paradox that is the experience of life — in an almost equal and opposite reaction — it is when we have lost so deeply, that we can also see the depth of goodness in those who support us. To feel immense gratitude for the love around us.

The keen focus on those who show up, those who dig in deep, and those who do not let us sink — allows us to shift our perspective.

It is in the moments of the greatest severings that, in turn, we create the strongest bonds.

Meaning and Purpose

Our new theme for the podcast is out and is fitting with the theme of this edition of missives, as it explores another one of the tools that we can use to move through loss and grief — having meaning and purpose.

We talk with Washington University Professor Patrick Hill, who studies how having meaning and purpose in life helps us move through life’s derailments and allows us to find direction at the points of transition — when many of us find ourselves at a loss for what to do next. We hope you will check it out.

If you enjoy this newsletter or our podcast, consider supporting my work with a subscription! It is so very much appreciated! If now is not the right time for a financial contribution — sharing this substack and our show with your friends and family is also a great way to support us. Thank you!

Keep looking for connection,

Erin Sucher-O’Grady

Share Missives from a Luddite